Channel 5's Celebrity Big Brother: Celebrity Big Brother Blog

Channel 5's Celebrity Big Brother: Celebrity Big Brother Blog: Live Launch -15 famous and not so famous faces enter The BB House “Biggins”, as Christopher is officially known as is the first and prob...

Celebrity Big Brother Blog

Live Launch -15 famous and not so famous faces enter The BB House



“Biggins”, as Christopher is officially known as is the first and probably most famous celebrity to enter the House. Biggins wins every reality show ever, so we might as well crown him the winner now. Biggins never gets depressed he says. He is just so jolly and impossible to dislike. He also hates cyclists and wants to ban them. Wow. I really, really like Biggins.



Next is the obligatory “Loose Woman”, Saira Khan who used to be on The Apprentice. Following in the footsteps of the Nolan woman ( who didn’t hate Jim Davidson, but hated Julie Goodyear), Katie price, Nadia, only friend of Perez, McGiffin and Silly Sherrie Hewson. Not much to say about her really…



Frankie Grande, brother of pop muppet Ariana and erm, YouTube Star is the next one in. I have never heard of him. He says that people get really annoyed with him. Loud, grating, full of himself and in your face. What’s there not to like? So camp he makes Biggins look like Phil Mitchell. Obviously delusional and thinks that the camera loves him.Cross between Sponge-Bob Squarepants and his sister.

Ricky Norwood, who was Fatboy in Eastenders joins the crew. He, as you may remember, got killed off so Ricky has got to earn some money. Scrubbed up quite well…don’t recall him looking so sharp in Albert Square.


Next, a foul-mouthed raspy Mafia Wife. Didn’t catch her name but looks like Bride of Chucky. Another piece of American trash, who looks as if she has borrowed Jenna Jameson’s ridiculous-looking ass implants.


Marnie Simpson is next. Apparently, she is someone who has been on trashfest Geordie Shore and is probably hoping to capitalise on success of previous GS contestants who have won the show. Casually states that she has had sex on telly a few times. I would express more shame if I had been seen in Tescos with my slippers on. Fame-hungry slapper.


Biggins is wrestling with a corked champagne battle….he’s had enough already….


Emma Willis announces the obligatory prank will be revealed later…yawn.


Next shock-jock James Whale…I remember him on some late night show in the 80s…twat then, and twat now. A poor substitute for the man they really wanted…Sir Nigel of Farage.


Someone called Aubrey enters. No idea who she is. Another plastic Yank.


Stephen “the bear “ Bear from Ex on the Beach. Never heard of him. Plant pot. Believes in aliens and that the earth is flat. Says he wasn’t the brightest at school. No kidding!


Likes to swear a lot. Probably because he doesn't know many words. I remember the days when the only career for half-wits who fancy themselves was on the fairground rides. Very grating. Looks a bit like Nicholas Cage after a lobotomy.


Next is Katie Waissel, a chinsome erstwhile X-Factor finalist and granddaughter of Britain’s oldest prostitute. Also likes to say the word F*** a lot. Should be stimulating when her and the Bear fella lock ahem “brains.”

Louis Bloor, a bore from Essex is next. Another reality show reject. Can’t tell one from the other. Some have Geordie accents, some are from “dahn sarf” but all pretty much interchangeable. Mr Bloor looks like the lost member of Spandau Ballet.



Next, is Grant Bovey, former husband of Anthea Turner who used to be famous in the 80s. The professional smarm merchant, (who we had all forgotten about) says he has been round the block a few times. Now, that is no way to talk about Anthea, Mr Bovey.

Old Chris Biggins is so welcoming to all these non-entities. Probably because he knows he will win!



Next a Playboy Playmate and slapper called Chloe somebody who was once on The X-Factor ( quelle surprise). She thinks she is pretty and hot. No love, you look a bad drag queen. Her celebrity crush is Barack Obama. She would be just his type considering his current man-wife Michelle.

Too many voices now trying to shout over one another. Grant Bovey looks bored and is having a consumptive coughing fit.


Heavy D is next ( aka the Boominator). Never heard of him but he certainly does have a big booming gob. As his name suggests he is rather portly. He looks a bit like the little fat blonde woman that used to dance in “The Roly Polys.” Keeps saying “Boom” then laughing manically. Nuts. Methinks he will be the first out….


Finally, its Sam Fox, the big-breasted former Page 3 girl from the 80s. Seems the most normal so far. And at least I have heard of her.


So there we have it. The “Celebrity” Big Brother house. Happy viewing.